Themes

But Im sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world thats ugly and a lie
Its hard to even want to try
And Im beginning to think baby you dont know

And I'm sick of my sickness
Dont touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,
and you hate me.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
'Till I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away" just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"

Cardinal rule

I broke my cardinal rule. If I think they like me, they don't.

Someday, I wont forget that at the wrong time.

Jumping that bridge.

Life is all about fucking risk. And I am ill equipped for dealing with it.

Tomorrow though. Fuck it. I only live once so I might as well live for once. If it blows up in my face, it blows up.

Principles

It has always been said a true test of one's principles is when nobody else is watching. Related, it is also a true test when they are maintained under duress.

It has occurred to me that someone I know in real life who I never intended to read this blog may have. I never really hid my tracks and I guess that I never really cared to. I will operate under the assumption that person is reading or may do so in the future.

This blog is all my inner demons laid out on the screen. Me in my rawest form.
It is an incomplete picture. It isn't the best thing for somebody to possibly judge me by.

That said, I wouldn't change a word (well except most posts could use a couple of rewrites to bring it up to 8th grade reading level). I also refuse to change what I write. Things will fall where they may and really I have no control over that.


Only right to document the result of the event hinted at below: Today was good but not great. It was not great mainly because of my own inaction. I will need to rectify that. I plan on it.

Stand

So tomorrow is the day. If it goes as it should, I will have to face what I have had to face for most of my adult life. Everything has a natural state. Mine is solitary. I can picture it as any other way.

But if it goes well, well then I have to face the fact of what I am going to put her through. I can't say that it will be worth it for her. She deserves better.

My instinct is to run and do her the favor. But I am pretty sure this is my last stand. If it works, I will just have to do my best to make it worth her pain.

Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

heh

Figured this was a good response to the post below.

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-pictures-squirrel-girlfriend1.jpg

Flower for Algernon

I don't deserve her. I doubt there is much debate about that. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, there is a glimmer of hope. Life is becoming normal. The only question is am I Charlie or Algernon?



and yes a new post. How novel.

bitch bitch bitch

Why is it when everything seems to be going great on the surface, it feels like everything is going to crap?

It has been a while

It's been a while Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do.

I really need to give up on this hope shit

Moods

I am in a bitter mood for the normal reasons.

I am in a hopeful mood for the good reasons.

I am in a strange mood for the nonexistent reasons.

It is times like this that make me wonder if I am maniac or just plain crazy.