Themes

But Im sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world thats ugly and a lie
Its hard to even want to try
And Im beginning to think baby you dont know

And I'm sick of my sickness
Dont touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,
and you hate me.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
'Till I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away" just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"

Cardinal rule

I broke my cardinal rule. If I think they like me, they don't.

Someday, I wont forget that at the wrong time.

Jumping that bridge.

Life is all about fucking risk. And I am ill equipped for dealing with it.

Tomorrow though. Fuck it. I only live once so I might as well live for once. If it blows up in my face, it blows up.

Principles

It has always been said a true test of one's principles is when nobody else is watching. Related, it is also a true test when they are maintained under duress.

It has occurred to me that someone I know in real life who I never intended to read this blog may have. I never really hid my tracks and I guess that I never really cared to. I will operate under the assumption that person is reading or may do so in the future.

This blog is all my inner demons laid out on the screen. Me in my rawest form.
It is an incomplete picture. It isn't the best thing for somebody to possibly judge me by.

That said, I wouldn't change a word (well except most posts could use a couple of rewrites to bring it up to 8th grade reading level). I also refuse to change what I write. Things will fall where they may and really I have no control over that.


Only right to document the result of the event hinted at below: Today was good but not great. It was not great mainly because of my own inaction. I will need to rectify that. I plan on it.

Stand

So tomorrow is the day. If it goes as it should, I will have to face what I have had to face for most of my adult life. Everything has a natural state. Mine is solitary. I can picture it as any other way.

But if it goes well, well then I have to face the fact of what I am going to put her through. I can't say that it will be worth it for her. She deserves better.

My instinct is to run and do her the favor. But I am pretty sure this is my last stand. If it works, I will just have to do my best to make it worth her pain.

Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

heh

Figured this was a good response to the post below.

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-pictures-squirrel-girlfriend1.jpg

Flower for Algernon

I don't deserve her. I doubt there is much debate about that. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, there is a glimmer of hope. Life is becoming normal. The only question is am I Charlie or Algernon?



and yes a new post. How novel.

bitch bitch bitch

Why is it when everything seems to be going great on the surface, it feels like everything is going to crap?

It has been a while

It's been a while Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do.

I really need to give up on this hope shit

Moods

I am in a bitter mood for the normal reasons.

I am in a hopeful mood for the good reasons.

I am in a strange mood for the nonexistent reasons.

It is times like this that make me wonder if I am maniac or just plain crazy.

For the love of...

http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2007/04/21/wmd_conspiracy/index.html

But all of that is rendered moderate, restrained, sober and even sane by a new article she wrote for the British magazine, The Spectator (headline: I Found Saddam's WMD Bunkers), which claims that: (a) WMDs really were found in Iraq after the invasion, (b) they were located in vast underground bunkers (c) which contained "nuclear, chemical and biological materials", but (d) the U.S., through negligence, failed to secure those sites and, as a result, (e) the WMDs were stolen by The Terrorists and/or Syrian agents, who now have them and are actively plotting (along with China, Russia and North Korea) to use them against the West, but --

(f) because the Bush administration is so embarrassed by their failure to prevent the theft of all these dastardly weapons, and because Democrats are embarrassed by this discovery because it proves that Saddam really did have WMDs all along, they have all jointly created a vast conspiracy where they conceal the discovery of WMDs in order to cover up for their negligence.

Let's assume all that is true. How the hell does anybody who believes this not demand Bush et al to be tried for treason instantly? How does this support the case for staying in Iraq? But as the piece details, the people who think it is true don't have this reaction. I can only shake my head.

1 year old!

http://home.comcast.net/~rsiconolfi/baby/1.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~rsiconolfi/baby/2.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~rsiconolfi/baby/3.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~rsiconolfi/baby/4.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~rsiconolfi/baby/5.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~rsiconolfi/baby/6.jpg

Religious Stupidity

It is crap like this that makes me want to disavow organized religion entirely. I think I am pretty solidly Cathnostic. I think, like most reasonably people even atheists, God wouldn't be such a bad thing to exist. Whether he does or not is another thing. But I mean really. People like Bill Donahue make me ashamed to admit I grew up catholic. I mean for the love of all that is holy does he think that Jesus was crucified in a three piece suit. Fucking Stupidity.

Too much, too far. But I guess that applies to lots of "old" ideas.

Taxes

Why do tax jihadists insist on repeating this stupid analogy over and over? If somebody ever shows me that everybody consumes resources equally, I might not stab the next person in the eye.


Here is commentary on another silly tax tale.

I'm doing stuff I promise!

Labels are slowly coming. The Meta tag sucks and I will need to change it. I already make bad management. I should be standing by my decision and declare it to be farsighted and refuse to micromanage the situation.

It has been 3 days and I still haven't crushed the Proletariats beneath my heel. That won't look good on the resume.

Differences

I figured out the real difference between bosses and workers. Bosses do a lot of crap that needs to be done but has nothing to do with the final product at all. Workers, on the hand, surf the Internet when they should be working.

Acting (like an adult?)

So today was the first day Jim isn't there. It also happens to be my first day acting* in his place. I now have a taste of what my life as a boss would be. And I have to tell you, there is a large amount of busy work but nothing seemingly hard. To be fair I have just had a small taste of it, but I think my thoughts on the matter were mostly correct. It isn't a hard job from the technical side. I would guess it is mostly time management and learning the lay of the land.

It is still kind of scary though. It seems so... adult. I have always taken responsibility but on my terms. While the decision to move forward is mine, a lot of what I have to deal with will not be of my own choosing.

The stage is set though. Too many people apparently have laid the groundwork and the positions are many. The opportunity will come again to be sure but it is merely running the clock at this point. I have matured as much as I can in my position and it is time for a new challenge.

Good Bye Youth.I knew you when.


*While I understand the term, it always conjures images of Dressing and copying everything somebody does. I wonder if they make Jim suits size XL?

A stroll through the past

Looking through the archives, I see I use to write much better with longer, more thorough content. I suck don't I? I apologize to you poor souls that read this blog (amazingly there are still people who check). I also apologize to myself. I will try to do better.

Oh and I am adding more labels so you people (as well as me) can find shit easier or filter what you don't want to read.

Fork in the road

Another one of those adult choices is coming up and fast. Logically, I know the path to take. I guess I am mostly afraid of sucking up the little remaining joy in life.

lots of bleh lately.

Comida

Dieting is a huge cross for me. Much more than for others. Food is one of the few areas the only area in my life I never worried and always enjoyed. And now I can't enjoy it. It isn't that I have to eat horrible stuff but I have to constantly (and conscientiously) weigh each choice. There are no casual commitments.

Bleh.

Next Year?

One time I would like to get laid on my birthday. Or in close proximity at least.

Housing

Well this is something I looked at in the past but I hadn't recently. I noticed a lot of condos and housing for rent myself and this number backs it up. Maybe we will see a correction this spring in the market. That would be nice.