Sunday, September 18, 2005

The fork was the final straw

This is a personal post. I need to write some things down. Read it if you want but it really isn't of interest to anyone.

I have been real stressed for some reason. My sleep patterns are off and I have no desire to do things (yet I am doing more lately than I have in the last few months).

I think it is work. Maybe. It hasn't been going well lately but really it isn't that bad and I care a lot less than I use to. It never really got to me before. So I don't know. This is the first year I won't have excelled. I have become that jaded guy we all looked at when we were new. 7 years. I am tired of the bullshit. I think life would be a lot better if a lawyer was honest just once. One time.

My personal life has been for shit (like normal). I am still a fucking wuss. And should just do it and get it over with. I am scared though. I guess I feel this is sort of a last chance. That final threshold. It isn't (I hope) but it sure as hell feels that way. I think that may be with the age thing. At this point, I'm half dead. What do I offer? She is 24. She can find someone else her age to go do things. I am suppose to be past that point. And I sound like fucking HP. That is so wrong. Tomorrow, I do it tomorrow. I need a "do you want to be HP?" post-it on my monitor.

I'm sure someone examining my life would think I'm depressed. But I seen real depression and I don't act anything like that. Not even close. In a way, it is true. I have some things that seem like depression symptoms. But I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is how I am. What has happened lately (the new stuff) isn't though.

And to top it all off, a fork just attacked my foot.

I want a do over. I won't get one though.

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