bitch bitch bitch

Why is it when everything seems to be going great on the surface, it feels like everything is going to crap?

It has been a while

It's been a while Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do.

I really need to give up on this hope shit

Moods

I am in a bitter mood for the normal reasons.

I am in a hopeful mood for the good reasons.

I am in a strange mood for the nonexistent reasons.

It is times like this that make me wonder if I am maniac or just plain crazy.

Acting (like an adult?)

So today was the first day Jim isn't there. It also happens to be my first day acting* in his place. I now have a taste of what my life as a boss would be. And I have to tell you, there is a large amount of busy work but nothing seemingly hard. To be fair I have just had a small taste of it, but I think my thoughts on the matter were mostly correct. It isn't a hard job from the technical side. I would guess it is mostly time management and learning the lay of the land.

It is still kind of scary though. It seems so... adult. I have always taken responsibility but on my terms. While the decision to move forward is mine, a lot of what I have to deal with will not be of my own choosing.

The stage is set though. Too many people apparently have laid the groundwork and the positions are many. The opportunity will come again to be sure but it is merely running the clock at this point. I have matured as much as I can in my position and it is time for a new challenge.

Good Bye Youth.I knew you when.


*While I understand the term, it always conjures images of Dressing and copying everything somebody does. I wonder if they make Jim suits size XL?

A stroll through the past

Looking through the archives, I see I use to write much better with longer, more thorough content. I suck don't I? I apologize to you poor souls that read this blog (amazingly there are still people who check). I also apologize to myself. I will try to do better.

Oh and I am adding more labels so you people (as well as me) can find shit easier or filter what you don't want to read.

Thought of the day

Being lonely with somebody is far worse than being lonely by yourself.

I need to remember that.

random

Was going through some archive and ran across this. I amuse myself way too much sometimes. Looks over. Hmm table has relatively few papers but a bunch of cd's. Well, that is atleast closer to happiness.

Uncertainity

I don't know if I should be encouraged by progress and minimal sucess or disappointed that the success isnt more in line with what is "normal". Well hopefully it is exponential growth like it has been so far. I should catch up to my real age by what? 40? then.

My confidence work-wise was shaken recently. I dont know if I should move up. Choices...

And now I think I am getting a bald patch on the side of my head. Jesus. Just fall out entirely already. I hate shaving it but it is forcing me more and more to that choice. It is easy when it is the only fucking choice.

Weekend has been bad so far. Tomorrow should hopefully be better. Monday night have dinner with Pete. Been far too long. Should be fun.

Thoughts

So far 30 is different... and I really don't know why. Maybe it is the whole being comfortable in your own skin cliche. I have nothing else to explain it. Life is basically the same but I'm different. I care less about making sure I do the right thing and worry more about what will... make me happy (?) . It isn't that quite.

I think I just learned to relax about things more. I'm old now. My life is what it is. I'm not going to be some super duper athlete or Multiple PhD. I have my set ways and I'm not apologetic about it.

I always been afraid to mention anything to people about potentials. This time hasn't been markedly different. I still shy away from it somewhat. But it is what it is, so I don't avoid it totally. It is very weird to have something develop in a normal way. All my relationships (if you can call them that) have been fucked up in some way. This is the first time I have had a normal meeting and had a woman want to see me again. I still have no clue why she does but she does. I am trying to just enjoy it for what it is even though it isn't much to speak of yet. I am hoping for a couple months of something. It doesn't have to be much. What little I have so far is precious to me. Even just potential is nice. I know it will all come crashing down but I am just trying to enjoy it for now. Hopefully, it is long enough to hit some nice restaurants I cant do alone. Tomorrow should be fun.

And then some things never change. Thursday is going to be rough. I so hope it is the right thing and it will make things better. I can't think how they can be worse... It is enough to make me pray. Sigh, this is what it is like to be an adult.

Comfortable cocoon

I been what can be described as a rut for quite a few years now. My life is not much different at 30 than it was 24 (I am even back to buying CDs!). That is sad in a way. I been trying to force change recently. We will see how it goes.

Worst Mindset ever

Milestone birthdays have a habit of causing reflection on one's life. It also causes one to remember the past. I ran across some old emails with a friend named John who I long have lost touch with. I recognized me yet not me. And there was my friend, patient and understanding with my ranting. Truth in my madness? There were facts but nothing representing what can be considered truth.

I come to the conclusion that I am the
> personification of the
> fact that there is NOT someone for anyone. I am
> gonna be 25 in less than a
> month and I have realized that not one girl has ever
> though enough of me to
> withstand a hour of my company for a free meal. So
> as you can see, I am
> feeling just great about myself.

I need to email John...

The fork was the final straw

This is a personal post. I need to write some things down. Read it if you want but it really isn't of interest to anyone.

I have been real stressed for some reason. My sleep patterns are off and I have no desire to do things (yet I am doing more lately than I have in the last few months).

I think it is work. Maybe. It hasn't been going well lately but really it isn't that bad and I care a lot less than I use to. It never really got to me before. So I don't know. This is the first year I won't have excelled. I have become that jaded guy we all looked at when we were new. 7 years. I am tired of the bullshit. I think life would be a lot better if a lawyer was honest just once. One time.

My personal life has been for shit (like normal). I am still a fucking wuss. And should just do it and get it over with. I am scared though. I guess I feel this is sort of a last chance. That final threshold. It isn't (I hope) but it sure as hell feels that way. I think that may be with the age thing. At this point, I'm half dead. What do I offer? She is 24. She can find someone else her age to go do things. I am suppose to be past that point. And I sound like fucking HP. That is so wrong. Tomorrow, I do it tomorrow. I need a "do you want to be HP?" post-it on my monitor.

I'm sure someone examining my life would think I'm depressed. But I seen real depression and I don't act anything like that. Not even close. In a way, it is true. I have some things that seem like depression symptoms. But I have been this way as long as I can remember. It is how I am. What has happened lately (the new stuff) isn't though.

And to top it all off, a fork just attacked my foot.

I want a do over. I won't get one though.

Further musings on Class

I left off stating that the rich have a complete different worldview. I think the following shows this.

Ramesh Ponnuru on Tax Cuts on National Review Online: When surveys show that a fifth of the American public thinks it's in the top one percent of the income distribution, and another fifth thinks it's going to be there soon, conservatives generally applaud the public's confidence and optimism.

There are 2 findings there. One is an expectation that a person will do better than they currently are and I agree that can be applauded (though one may be worried about unrealistic expectations).

The second finding is the one that Ponnuru ignores and, to me, the more significant one. We have 20% of the country thinking they are in the top 1%. There is no other word for this than ignorance. This is not optimism. They don't believe something may be true about the future. They believe sometime that is demonstratively false is true currently. Why should this be applauded in any way, shape, or form? Simply put, if you can make people not understand the differences in class, then they will see one group's interests as their own even if it is completely opposite of their own. People think they are rich or nearly so when the truth is that they have no concept of what it is like to be rich.

The inequality of Capitalism largely exists on ignorance. Perfect knowledge automatically leads to transactions that are equitable. I think this is true in a free market as well as politics. People don't support policy like an estate tax because a lot of them believe it will affect them or will hurt the people it does affect. Of course, the problem with repealing the estate tax is it will affect those people in another way they do not know about (elimination of the stepped up cost basis).

My point is the rich seem to have a trait in common. They think they will always "win". And as I said before, a lot of them see themselves as better. So, to them, it is a good thing that the masses are ignorant. It just reinforces that belief because they are not ignorant. They are rich because they are not ignorant. They are not ignorant because they are better. They are better because they are rich.

I am not anti-rich though it may sound like it. I am anti-exploitation. And that is what I see.

Issues of Class

Pandagon: Class and marriage: "I cannot tell you how many times I had the jaw-dropping realization that friends of mine don't get that I have no safety net, nothing to cushion me that allows me to examine a creative career full-time. "

Maggie would love to have a summer internship with a human rights group, but she needs paid work and when she graduates, with more than $100,000 of debt, she will need a law firm job, not one with a nonprofit. So when Isaac one day teased her as being a sellout, she reminded him that it was a lot easier to live your ideals when you did not need to make money to pay for them.

I was born into a working/middle class family (hard to tell the line exactly). I have eaten government cheese. We were never on welfare. As we got older, it definitely got better. We lived closer to the edge when I was young than I probably even realize today. Even relatively recently, when by almost any measure we would be considered middle class, things were scary on occasion. My dad nearly died my senior year in high school. I was thisclose to not going to college at all. I would have went and got a job and that was that. There wouldn't have been a choice.

I went to college with a diverse group of people. There was the rich subset. And the richer subset. I obviously was in neither. And they had a couple different outlook on life than I could possible imagine. They had a lot of ideas about the way things were which I considered silly then and think is a sign of mental retardation now. Most had no clue what it meant to be limited by financial constraints. Many thought there were plainly better than other people. I will note not all. One of my best friends was extremely wealthy but you never knew it. So I won't say that class is deterministic but it is nearly so.

Second Post

That is a lie. I know why I am here. I just doubt it will be productive.

First post

Why am I here? I don't know. Guess I will find out.